terça-feira, 30 de agosto de 2016

A tale about love and stupidity

           She always been an unusual girl, obscure. On her face was possible to verify that she was unable to control herself; this aspect was accompanied with a strong impression of a person who overflow, exhaling an intense energy, profound and savage, in all directions. The lack of illusions or a stablished structure, or way, made her able to see many aspects that were hidden to the other persons, because their illusions and well defined mental structures. This aspect made her extremely inconstant, mutable, mysterious and unpredictable, being dependent of the external environment do define her character, being a whole new person depending on each situation that she was facing. With this mutable aspect of her constitution, she constantly felt as if her world was falling apart; the absence of defined structures, of illusions and mechanisms that make feelings less intense, made her feel a deep strength, coming from the deepest spots of her mind, every time when she faced a new situation, or a deconstruction that destroyed her weak structures, her mutable structures, and made her feel low, feel bad, attribute that inspired her to change these obscure and terrifying scenarios that were formed in her mind. That strength was something that make people jealous, for sure; however, for a spectator who pays more attention was possible to identify a deep trauma, an unusual mental constitution, as the generator of all that wild impulse, of all that will. It seemed that she possessed a rare ability that I have never seen before; her mind had kind of a huge capacity of imagination, an incredible ability of giving a rational interpretation to many of her deep feelings, attribute that make her deconstruct every well directed and strong unconscious conceptual construction in her mind, making her face the reality without illusions or ideas that make things easier and less intense. Her energy was created by scary scenarios, by hurtful memories, and has as a goal changing everything that bothers her, transforming the painful scenarios.  Every new activity, every new attempt, was seen, by her, as a chance of salvation, as an opportunity to change everything that terrifies her. Everyone should have the opportunity to see her, to see her capacity of trying, that was almost unbelievable; constantly I saw her body full with cuts, bruises, burns and injuries, all in function of her intense attempts, or, to be more precise, almost everything.
            Some of her scars and bruises were not descendant only of her untamed will; and it seemed almost unbelievable for a girl who loves to be alone and who pushed away, wisely and carefully, everyone who tried to know her better, who tried to approach her, motivated by her special aspects that in the minds of the admirers make them imagining as being owners of these characteristics that make them felt more potent and strong as never before that a few hurts on her body were caused by people who were next to her. I have never saw someone being so hated, it is serious, and the reasons for that were vast and multiple. In the first place, people around her hated her almost unconsciously, these sensations came as if they where something profound and mysterious, as a strong feeling that they did not have enough imagination and a logical capacity to measure with precision, to bring out from the dark corners of their minds and to set in a more illuminated spot, making them acting in function of these unconscious feelings and interpretations without being able to measure, control and change them. When she entered in any place it seemed as if she was kind of a wrecking, a wild destruction capable to pulverize any well directed mind structure; only with her intense and unique way of being she made everyone starts to question their most profound illusions, that even with a small touch of doubt made people desperate, making them hate, intensely, what started this despiteful feeling. In other persons, her unusual way stimulated an intense curiosity, a deep and strong admiration; she, that presented a constitution absolutely new, cannot be defined with precision by anyone, this happened in function of the lack of similar references that could be used as a base for a possible classification; without an usual reference she was developed only by other’s people imagination, that we all know that are unreal and exaggerated, making her become an intense and beautiful symbol, that promised unimagined rewards in the deepest spots of other people’s mind; and the common sense have the courage, the ignorance, to say that beauty is only a symmetric  facial traits, or a body that is the latest trend… This reason, that only seems to stay away from a profound hate, made many people try to talk to her, to know her, and they were rejected, rapidly, by that different and special person. The motivation for these rejections was obvious: Those people were limited and cannot proportionate nothing to a person like her; their lack of imagination, that make them susceptible to things that people say to them as being the truth about the reality, made them had a small mind, that only could have simple and superficial interpretation about feelings and things; in this aspect, they always found the sexuality as being their most strong impulse and motivation, making them imagining everything as being a sexual relation to them,  this characteristic make them not dig their minds in a more deep and multiple way, because of their well directed concepts that could only see thing in a sexual way and nothing else. Even with a polite rejection, she caused damages to the inflamed egos of her admirers; because of being in front of something far beyond their own capacity, their own being, these admirers felt reduced, being necessary, at any coast, deconstruct that intense image in their heads, that caused a huge bad sensation, making them felt low. This depreciation was executed efficiently by many people and, consequently, the blind, stupid and susceptible ones absorb every words said by damaged egos as if were unquestionable truths. To be more precise, these ridiculous people gave a connotation of certainty and truth to painful and insecure declarations of the admirers, making them becoming estimated by these old admirers by reassuring and confirming insecure concepts, about people that they never really interacted with. Another motivation for hate was brought by all that unusual impetus, all that beauty and intensity of that amazing person, that made people realize how much they were limited, small, unconscious, this sensation was abandoned with the depreciation and the hate against the one who started these feelings.
            The reunion of these reasons created a generalized hate that constantly made every action of the unusual girl be interpreted as being futile, stupid and evil, creating a bad interpretation for all her acts, being this bad interpretation created by the worst things that the haters could imagine. In these minds, that always run away from strong feeling, from guilty, the capacity to have bad feelings about other people are amazing, extremely well developed, making these persons to be able to imagine, rapidly, many bad aspects and motivation to anything, creating an awful connotation to whatever they want. In these unconscious minds this act of self protection were interpreted in a wild way, acquiring huge and unreal proportions, making the act of hating someone or some idea even more intense, even more dangerous to the people that they don’t like, to the ones who make them felt bad about themselves. Remembering some moments, I feel amazed to know that she is still alive; I will never forget when five girls tried to beat her and, even after being stabbed by one of the aggressors, she passed out three of them and made two other girls run away desperately.
            This last story was extremely unusual and dangerous, demanding, for sure, an intervention coming by me, the only person truly capable of realize all her rarity and all the perfection of that girl, but that I felt incapable to do. This incapacity was not descendant of cowardice or anything like that, but was fruit of a delusional curiosity, of an intense will to know the truly dimension of things, their real aspects, exploring these things by experiences, feelings, and organizing and giving meaning with my imagination and my logical capacity; having this profound will, primarily I destroyed my ego, that made me keep distorted interpretation about the reality, and, consequently, I struggle myself to live uncommon and intense situations, many times creating them by myself, waiting that with this I could be able to made a profound and essential discovery. In that time I was young and hopeful, and thought that I possessed a powerful brain, capable to interpret, to imagine, to reunite the truly dimension of my feeling and things around me… Ah, sweet illusion. That fight was only one more occurring that I cannot measure with precision, one more experience that was inutile, that did not reveal nothing and almost cost the life of the person that I like the most…

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